To heal and restore or leave-marriage today

How do we heal Marriages and restore Families of today?

Hello Reading Friend, recently I listened to a video where a certain lady said “never say never….” Connoting to the fact that anytime even a married wife can become a “side chic” to another man and the husband can become “side cock” (pun intended) to another woman!

It reminded me of a conversation I had with an old friend from University who mentioned that the world is so round that in fact in Kampala when you hear girls say they have a side hustle; their side hustle might be your husband. I was bewildered but not shocked.

It is not surprising to hear many a woman or man’s tale that their partner is seeing someone else or is sexually involved with another. This to many is what is referred to as cheating. However, this is just one form of dishonesty.

A friend also jokingly mentioned that we should stop trying to solve social problems that are historical and right in that moment I was reminded that it is going to take a lot of work, wisdom and guided steps to heal and restore families.

Sadly, there is unconventional belief that for somethings, even God cannot redeem and this includes winning back the love of a man whose heart has been won over by another woman. Bad black in her usual funny relays mentioned that not even the Women Prayer convention by Pastors could save Teddy and Aloysious Bugingo’s marriage. He concluded that no amount of prayers could possibly make the man turn back to her.

This relay of events is quite unfortunate, and it leaves one question at hand; how do we mortal men heal marriages and restore families bearing in mind that family is the cornerstone of human existence.

With the new trend of Vlogging that I hope to one-day jump on, one of my compassionate friends, Manuela Mulondo together with her husband had a discussion on cheating and as I listened to it all I could think about was the dishonesty with which people in marriages live and manage their marriages. I am no exception.

I asked my Partner, why men cheat, and he shrugged with his shoulders leaning back before he responded; “I don’t know, Different Men cheat for different reasons”. Please note that he is one of the most honest people I know. They say bakiga don’t mince words & he is my confirmation of this stereotype.

However, his hesitation in responding was telling of what has now become the new normal of relationships world over. Offer as little information as you possibly can or else what you say will be used against you, one day. I probably led him to this point but well, I am human. Am I not?

He has also previously mentioned to me that any marriage will look perfect from the outside until you live a week or a month in that family’s home. It is only then that you will realize that many marriages in this city are bleeding. While everyone else believes that the marriage is working.

Marriage working looks different for everyone and like they say, the grass is always greener on the other side. For some it goes like this, “for as long as he takes care of his children, comes back home to us every day, I am okay”; for others it is, “for as long as she gives me children, cooks my food, respects me and doesn’t tell me what to do; we shall keep keeping on”. What remains unaddressed though, is how each person feels deep within, how happy and content they are in that relationship as opposed to how their soul, heart, body and mind is responding to everything happening around them. Whether they are bleeding or breeding!

Please note, not all the bleeding is caused by cheating as known by everyone that is sexual perversion; some bleeding is caused by other forms of dishonesty & hypocrisy. Not forgetting battery, sexual assault and all other forms of domestic abuse.

Dishonesty can take many forms such as lying about something you did, keeping something hidden that you should have brought to your spouse’s attention or even just not providing all the details of an event. People can be dishonest about small things “little white lies” or about big things “outright deception”. Even in the little things, dishonesty will undermine your marriage and any relationship or friendship for that matter.

One wonders, what exactly happens after tying the knot. What is it that changes significantly that makes the couple realize or come to the conclusion that they can no longer be honest with each other on things that affect them or how they feel about each other. I also have no answers.

You see, honesty and integrity are fundamental in any relationship. For as long as there is dishonesty; trust will be broken and for as long as trust is broken any relationship is bound to fail especially if there are no intentional efforts by both Parties to rebuild and heal the relationship.

What am I trying to say? That if you are married, treat your marriage like all other friendships that you value and invest in if you want them to thrive or grow. Be honest and be intentional about building trust. Strip yourself off all dishonesty. Live consciously bearing in mind that you are the righteousness of God. The burden to heal and restore is on each one of you individually with the support and guidance of your creator who led you to that union. Married man or woman, water your grass!

Please note, when I say be intentional about rebuilding and healing, I don’t mean that you should try to restore today and repeat the same act that broke the trust tomorrow.

If you are not yet married, take your time, invest in that relationship, agree on key dos and don’ts for your relationship before you say yes or ask someone to say yes! Why? You may ask. Because some foundational blocks are hard to add to any building when the house is at roofing stage. It is not impossible, but it certainly comes at a big cost; breaking and rebuilding. The question then becomes, why should you wait to break and rebuild yet you can pick the right materials, have them mixed appropriately and cast the best foundation?

If, however, breaking becomes for you the ultimate and you end up putting an end to your relationship legally and free yourself from all forms of DISHONESTY; I hope that you choose to be cordial, courteous and respectful to each other as you go through the rough patch of breaking and starting over. Most importantly, I hope you carry with you the good and best to your future and leave behind the bad, ugly and nasty. You deserve a clean start.

Listening to the former president of Malawi Joyce Hilda Banda and how she left her first husband on grounds of domestic abuse and later found new love in the retired Chief Justice of Malawi; I learned that sometimes it is okay to start over with someone else. By the way, even the Bible, the basis for which we swear companionship forever allows for fresh starts on a number of grounds so as a Christian lawyer who is passionate about marriage I now know that divorce is not entirely bad if one of the parties is being treated unjustly and unfairly.

With the knowledge above, I wish you healing, good relationships and the finest things that God has willed for your life as you connect and make your own firm individual contribution to healing and restoring families. Remember real “marriaging” is a choice & yes, there are good marriages out there; yours too if only you can choose to water it some more.

Ps: I am also like those married people, learning on the job, breaking, & then running back to God to heal and restore because I love me a good authentic marriage glazed with true love and honesty. Don’t send me to Jesus, Jesus never married anyone. Did he?

Anyway, we all need God but we also all need to play our part in the grand scheme of things even when things appear historical. If you are not ready to do the work, then may be accept that your calling lies elsewhere. Do your part. You can make a difference.

Hope & Faith,

F.I.R.M