Thriving Beyond Loss

How do we thrive amidst loss and grief?

Some people have described grief, at its most profound and painful, as “a rogue wave of despair, yearning, and desire for union.” Grief is not just a one-time rogue wave: it is ongoing and “the wave rises from one day, and even one moment, to the next.”

As the year comes to an end, many of us have an unusual, unprecedented amount of situations to grieve. The political atmosphere is a wreck-we have seen people being stripped naked on the streets, arrested, teargassed and so on and so forth because of their political affiliations; some people have lost jobs as a result of the pandemic and this has further strained the already strained income earnings of these families; for some it is grief over broken and estranged relationships which have dampened the Christmas holiday cheer and yes; there is word going round that the country may be put back into lock down. The Government continues to discourage city dwellers from travelling to curb further spread of the Corona virus to their old folks back in the villages.

Most evident due to the pandemic, poor health facilities, in some cases laxity on our part and other circumstances as noted above, countless people are grieving the loss of loved ones, parents, siblings, grandparents, spouses, close relatives, and friends. Many families and communities have been hit by multiple losses.

The grief is complicated by the fact that many people who have lost loved ones have not been able to say goodbye to their loved ones or be with them at the time of their death. Largely because of the requirement to observe SOPs, the mobility challenges and for some the financial strain that persists amidst the pandemic. In many cases, families up to now are not able to gather for wakes or funerals to mourn their loved ones and to offer support to each other.

I lost my almost 3-year-old first born daughter and only child ILIA on March 25^th, 2020 under strange circumstances (not Covid certainly as her results were negative and we have not exhibited any symptoms since then). On the same day she breathed her last, the country also declared a partial lock down and a mobility ban that required only three people to move in a car. So as you can possibly imagine, save for a few countable family members that made it to Nyabushabi in Kabale (Her Dad’s village) when I looked around I couldn’t see a single friend of mine.

By this, I mean to say that I understand your pain and struggles as you journey through the grief in the festive season but don’t despair; Joy comes in the morning. Psalms 118 says that we should thank God at all times because he is a loving God and his love endures forever.  It goes on to remind us that it is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes…when the friends can’t be present; know that your God is present.

Appreciate those who are present during this season and live; there is no point gravitating over those who are not or wishing who should be there but is not. You have God and those he has categorically placed in your life for this season.

Look around you and you will be amazed. They are there! You are just choosing not to see them.

The first step into thriving is understanding and accepting the reality of death and loss generally; it is working through and bearing the emotional pain of loss, adjusting and trying every single day to resume life without our loved ones.

As a mother grieving her child, I will assure you that it is not easy! It probably gets harder the more you try. Ask me, 5 years down the road. For now, I can only speculate based on how I feel. I feel like a part of me was taken away forever! At first, her and I were one as she grew within the secret place of my womb; then we started getting to know each other as independent yet co-dependent in the physical but in a blink of an eye she was taken away from me in the physical. This hasn’t taken away that first spiritual connection of her being Me and Me being Her. She is ME, I am HER.

Sometimes I get a numbing feeling that makes it difficult for me to believe my baby girl is not here with me anymore but all I can see around me are her pictures; I yearn to have her here with me, to listen to her voice calling me and saying, “Mummy, Twinkle” or mumbling “Me, I want to bathe my Mummy” every morning; I get intense emotions sometimes sadness, anger, despair, and hopelessness which lead me to a point of judging certain things around me but I know that it is okay. It is part of the healing process so allow yourself to go through all the emotions, one by one.

Thereafter, feel free to get into a reorganization and form new bonds with others.  This will also help you navigate the depression that comes along with bereavement. I have learnt that it is one of the critical stages. Once you successfully get through this, you are well into acceptance and ultimately healing. Healing here doesn’t mean life goes back to normal entirely, it simply means that you begin to live with the full understanding, appreciation and acceptance that your loved one forever resides in your heart but lives in a different spiritual realm. There is a single line that separates us from each other and another that connects us.

Most importantly friend, seek to know God more and ask him what his will and purpose for your life is. This season has not only got me to my knees to pray and seek, praise him in the storm but it has also humbled me and put me in a place of total surrender to God. It is not easy but each day I learn something new. Everyday I am reminded that God is Lord. He is good. His love endures forever and that he will restore us.

Remember, this; “The tests we face in life’s journey are not to reveal our weaknesses but to help us discover our inner strengths. We can only know how strong we are when we strive and thrive beyond the challenges we face.”
― Kemi Sogunle

How can you help a bereaved friend?

After reading all this, you must be wondering how then you can help a grieving friend; The truth is your support is needed now more than ever! The number of bereaved families continues to increase in this season; every minute a life is lost either due to the pandemic, the political differences, poor health facilities, hunger etc while support options are fewer and isolation is greater.

From my experience so far, the first and most important way of helping is by being present to them and helping them to bear the emotional pain of their loss. Second, try to understand that grief looks and feels different for everyone. Third, listen to them process their thoughts and feelings about the person they have lost, their relationship with that person, and their ability to survive without them. You don’t have to say anything in response immediately. All they need in that moment maybe just a listening ear and knowing that there is someone present in their dark moments.

Lastly, validate and support with empathy the full range of their emotional expression regarding the loss and together help them ride out the wave and sail to a calmer sea.

If you need someone to journey with you, feel free to reach out on fabfamshop@gmail.com.

I wish you a better 2021 and stay F.I.R.M!

Remember JOY comes in the morning! Stay Hopeful and keep the Faith.