The Pains and Joys of Parenting and Pregnancy after Loss

The Pains and Joys of Pregnancy and Parenting after Loss

I have shared quite a lot about my journey of loss since it happened in March, 2020. This month March, over and above being the month we celebrate Women; it is Pregnancy after Loss Awareness Month (I had no idea such a thing existed until I had my own fair share of loss and eventually Pregnancy after loss).

Incidentally, also on 25^th March, 2022 it will be officially two years since my baby girl ILIA changed address.

I overheard a conversation where one party intimated to the other that Hon Jacob Oulanyah had just passed away and in response the other said, “Man, guy agenze! oba alazewa?”; Loosely translated, “Man, he has gone, I wonder where he has gone to.”

It’s then that it hit me that actually like everyone else except for the stories that we have heard others tell us or read about we actually don’t know what exactly happens when someone passes away except for the fact that you lay their mortal remains neatly dressed in a casket and immerse them underground-covered with soil never to see them again.

Every so often we shall visit and clear up where we believe they are lying and days will continue to move until it is finally our turn to be taken through the same ceremony.

You see, in the Bible they tell us that from dust we came, and to dust we shall return so yeah that’s as far as our knowledge goes in as far as life after death is concerned.

On my journey pursuing healing and subsequently parenting after loss I have had a special personal revelation and this has taken me through the Pains and Joys of every other day that I experience since my baby girl went to “I don’t know where”.

First of all, I have learned that the People we love never really leave us; why you may ask? Because we (you and I and them) are all spiritual beings. We are all connected. It’s simply that physically we begin to live in different dimensions but spiritually we are still deeply or even closer than we were before.

Using the example of myself when I conceived my baby girl; she was a part of me for the first 9 months that I carried her in my womb. She was Me and I was Her. We were and are still one. When she lived out of Me, she began to grow into her own little person but even in her independence; part of her was still me and part of me Her.

Even without trying so hard, to date; two years later, there are several things around me that scream “I am here” like the stretch marks on my belly, the episiotomy scar, the deep love I feel for her and the little things all around me that remind me of her. Even simple things like seeing a baby who was born around the same time she was born. Knowledge of the baby who was born three months after my baby’s passing and her parents called her ILIA. It’s in those little things.

What this has meant to me is that my baby is still here with me; in my heart and this has brought me joy and comfort. Some people might think it is denial but no, it is not. It has been my way of dealing and healing as I navigate not only her loss but also embrace the hope of a new blessing that I now call my Joy in the morning.

Now, my dear reading friend embracing the joy in the morning is not as easy as it should be. While it is a blessing, a moment of joy, restoration name it; carrying your joy to full term and enjoying it is one of the hardest seasons any grieving yet now nesting mother goes through.

First of all, as a nesting mother who has just experienced loss you live in constant fear and anxiety of the unknown. There are so many what ifs; it also happens to the fathers. Sometimes you face struggles with the father of your children because he is also dealing the best way he possibly can. Relationships break. Good marriages face turmoil that neither party can explain. ALOT happens and its so easy for this lot to turn into rot.

It is not surprising that many women do in fact lose their blessings once more. A very painful season re-occurs because of the range of emotions that they go through during the pregnancy after loss.

Those who are lucky to carry to full term and have their babies, parent from a place of fear and anxiety not knowing what the future of their children and even themselves looks like.

Child loss changes how you view life generally. It is harder to convince you that there is a guaranteed future and this alone makes the nesting season difficult and fearful. I could go on and on.

All this notwithstanding thought I have learnt and continue to learn that amidst everything there is still a super power unseen by our human eye that works in the background to ease the tension and teach the grieving yet nesting mother that everything is going to be okay if the mother will just believe, trust and parent free.

Most importantly a reminder that he who started the good work in the nesting mother will bring it to completion. The child the nesting mother is carrying, is God’s child before the child is the mother’s. The Mother is simply a steward of this child and the mother needs to trust God to do his very best for this child.

This right here is my current situation as I raise my joy in the morning. I am learning how to parent like a mother set free and solely relying on God to not only be my guide but also be the number one Co-parent of the children he has put and is yet to add in my life to steward.

If you have experienced loss and have gone through pregnancy after loss; I don’t know what range of feelings, you are going through other than gratitude for second chances BUT whatever it is; I am here to remind you that everything will be okay. He is a God that restores and makes good on his promises. Fully trust and surrender to him as you go through the pregnancy and the parenting journey after loss.

Sending you lots of prayers and virtual hugs as you become a good steward of those blessings in freedom.

Hope & Faith,

F.I.R.M